what if kate rewrote the catalog?

I get some weird catalogs.

Now, part of this is my fault. I'm a bit of a crafter. So I get on these mailing lists that must just be full of old ladies with SCADS of money who sit around and think, "Aw, gee, isn't this a cute mouse figurine? Wouldn't Mildred just love twelve of them??"

I, on the other hand, think, "Good Christ, how could the world possibly need so much kitschy crap?!"

Take the "Pumpkin Gobbler" for instance:

Their description: Pumpkin, or turkey? This cast-iron kit changes a pumpkin into a humorous "gobbler." Simply insert the six antique-brown-finished pieces (two wings, two feet, a head and a tail) into the bright orange vegetable, and it's transformed into an amusing (pumkey or turkin?) sculpture.

My description: Pumpkin, turkey or eyesore? This piece of garbage will make your pumpkin rot faster and your children wish the neighbors were all blind! Order three!

How does your garden glow? With a pink flamingo! Place this "bird of paradise" on your lawn or near a window and watch it light up. During the day, a solar panel on the base converts sunlight into energy. Crafted of resin.

Ugly, ugly, ugly. Buy this nasty lamp and watch your back -- the neighborhood watch association will be on the lookout for every dropped piece of trash, every cigarette butt and every unrecycled can... for the rest of your lives!

Santa and Rudolph "deliver" lots of sweets and laughs all season. This hilarious candy-dispensing duo assume the position and, with a gentle push on their backs, poop candy.

We are a nation of twelve year old boys.

Spunky stray cat holds your prettiest blossoms. Touch her head and tail, and they spring back with joy . . . she just loves the attention! Crafted of steel with the shiniest glass eyes.

Yeah, this is a sculpture that will take up all the space in your front hall. Don't let the kids touch it, or shards of the "shiniest" metal may go flying off, spring-loaded, in all directions. Note to buyer: Official membership to Crazy Cat Lady Club comes with purchase.

And the kicker:

Our table is beautifully sculpted with three-dimensional detailing. The handpainted base captures the color and excitement of exotic fish, snapping turtles, and coral beneath the ocean.

Ow! My eyes! They're bleeeeeeeeeeeding! I haven't seen so much ugly since that pile of barf in the subway! (Free delivery in Florida.)

I think I have a knack for it, don't you?

p.s. check out the rest of their goods at http://www.potpourrigifts.com/