why online dating is so much FUN

I'm on a dating website that will, based on the questions you answer, match you up with potential mates of your preference. They'll give you a match percentage, a friendship percentage, and an enemy percentage. Some people pay attention to these things, and some people simply pay attention to BOOBS. (Not that I display any on my page. It's just that I have them.)

Thou shalt not mock thy suitors, but with suitors like these, who needs enemies?

A sampling of my inbox of late:

From otherguy832* (52% match, 62% friend, 36% enemy)
Subject: I know your ex!

The subject line was only to peak your interest in my fascinating e-mail. My name is Roberto, found your profile to up beat and positive all qualities that I look for in a woman. How was your weekend ? I spent Sunday skating the line of heterosexuality by going on a fall hike, with a guy friend of mine, to see the leaves. Topped off with a picnic at the summit. I did get some great pictures, while I am secure in my manhood this story should remain between us! Talk to you soon.

From LawGuy1 (78% match, 87% friend, 17% enemy):

(no subject)

geek.

From guythree111 (83% match, 84% friend, 15% enemy)

Subject: Erudite Epicure seeks Sexy Svengali for Succor and Sin

"Keats was wrong. The art of the urn is maybe superior to real life because in most cases, the anxiety/excitement leading up to an event far exceeds the event itself. The images depicted on the urn are frozen in that moment of anticipation: the lover anticipating the kiss, the tree hovering between summer and fall. While that prelude to a kiss is often superior to the actual kiss, we cannot deprive ourselves of the potential satisfaction. Is that why the persona chooses reality? Art is not truth. Art is a lie that makes us realize the truth."

"Shut up and kiss me, you fool…"

Howdy. First, I must beg clemency for I am relatively new at this. Second, your profile, while more expressive than most, is still vague enough to beg the questions: no sarcasm or smarminess? Just sheer spirited and sanguine sincerity? What the hell's her deal? Fret not, young lady, mystery and candor can be very big turn-ons (or turn-offs, depending on how one plays his or her (in this case, her) hand and with whom one is playing. You're in luck). You've cast a rather wide net, so I'll try and be brief:

[Then he spends fourteen paragraphs explaining himself.]

p.s. - You had me at "I'll make you laugh. I'll make you think. I'll make you think about laughing. Then you'll laugh more. (Or your money back!)". you win. No refund necessary...

p.p.s. - Hit me with your number when you mail me back - better yet, just call me - I'm much better on the phone. In person, well, forget about it, you can't even imagine…

p.p.p.s. - I lied. You really had me at "You're the guy for me if you are super-duper smart, with a terrific sense of humor and a passion that drives you to your own definition of greatness. You're self-aware and thoughtful, and not too smelly (I'd eventually like to sleep in your shirt)"...

p.p.p.p.s. - [in a remarkable turn of events, he continues.]

p.p.p.p.p.s. - [then he asks me about Greece]

p.p.p.p.p.p.s. - [and then, at this point, I fell asleep]

And my ABSOLUTE favorite...

From JuanCarlosDos (0% match, 1% friend, 65% enemy)

Subject: I love you!

A nice woman equal to you only so if you want to marry me

Tell me, how did I get so lucky??

*names have been changed to protect the innocently guilty.