trust

I'm a very trusting person.

Of everyone else, that is. Not of myself.

I can meet someone and instantaneously trust them. And I do. All the time. And for the most part, I've been lucky, meeting good, decent people who are worthy of my trust. But it seems like it's getting to a point where I trust other people more than I trust myself.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, as people have come and gone in my life. People who I have trusted as if, in some way, they have the answers that I don't. And if I trust these people, or follow their advice, or live my life in a way that they would approve of, then they're in charge, and I'm no longer responsible for whatever shortcomings I have in life. As if they know the route better, and I can relax and just enjoy the ride.

But what's funny is when I do that, I end up somewhere other than where I wanted to be.

This kind of trust, this belief that other people know what's right for me, what my inner truth is, is in fact, a huge betrayal of myself. It's almost as if I'm saying, "Hey Kate, your plans and your wants must suck, because look at all these other people, who know how you should be living your life differently --they clearly have the inside scoop!

One of the monologues I use is from The Road to Mecca, by Athol Fugard and it closes with this: "You know what the really big word is, Helen? I had it all wrong. I suppose like most people I used to think it was Love. Thats a big word all right, and quite an event when it comes along. But there's an even bigger word. Trust. And more dangerous. Because that's when you drop your defenses, lay yourself wide open, and if you've made a mistake, you're in big, big trouble. And it hurts like hell." It speaks to me mostly because I've been there before, trusting someone to take care of me, to be responsible for me, and in the end, letting me down simply because that's not their job.

I am so not a religious person, but the Rev. Kim K. Crawford Harvie has written an AMAZING sermon on trust, and I would recommend reading it. You can find the full text here.

She says, "The more highly developed our trust yourself voice, the better prepared we are to trust the world, or to trust it again. The strength of our capacity to trust ourselves is the reserve on which we draw when the world betrays us. And the capacity to trust ourselves is the bedrock of our trustworthiness to others."

So, it seems that the objective, then, would be to build a trust in myself, and to listen more to myself and what I'm saying I want. Which sounds great, and is an idea I can really get behind. But it gets tricky when I know I'm listening to a part of myself that is my least trustworthy -- my sexuality.

When I was younger, I never did drugs, I never drank, I was really (REALLY) straight-laced and good. But the one area where I let myself misbehave was with guys. It seemed (at the time) the lesser of the many evils I faced, and, while I wouldn't change how I was then, it's almost as if my sexuality missed the boat when the rest of me grew up. When I want someone (or something), I want him NOW!, regardless of what the other, more responsible voices say. Regardless of my really strong desire for romance and courtship. I have done some fairly reprehensible things in the name of Attraction (which I won't list here, thank you very much) and I often lead myself into temptation (but do NOT deliver myself from evil) in pursuit of someone sexy or a situation that turns me on. And then my heart gets involved (intentionally or not) and I find myself in a place where I don't trust myself to drive, and whoever I'm with leads me somewhere other than where I wanted to be.

This has manifested itself in several, no, scratch that, most of my past relationships, where I got physically involved with a man, and then ended up in waaaaaay over my head before I was ready, or before I was willing to see the full picture. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to.

So.

Is the answer then to only listen to parts of myself? To listen to those voices that I respect? Or to hear my sexuality, but not let it drive? I want to live a life I'm proud of, and make decisions for myself that not only do those close to me respect, but that, more importantly, I can trust.

"In our inner world, we can cultivate a sanctuary of courage and strength. It is from within that sanctuary that we cast our lot with the world, whatever hand the world deals us. The trick here, though -- and it's a good one --is not to harden our hearts, not to make of our sanctuary an armored vehicle, or a prison."
And I think I can get on board with that -- finding a way to curb, but not destroy the voice coming from my sexuality. Before, when I thought about handling that side of myself, I thought it meant cutting it off completely. Keeping myself from even acknowledging I had desires, and certainly not acting on them. But the more I think about it, the more it just means I have to be careful, to be selective, and not to think about a lack of sex as a deprivation or a way of being "good," but more as a choice to be strong, to opt for the clearest future I can make for myself.

I won't be my best self until I make the choice(s) to become her.

Rev. Crawford Harvie also refers to Rumi (which is actually how I found her in the first place), and the poem below really speaks to me right now, to not selling myself short, and to finding out how to trust the woman I want to become.

There is a life-force within your soul.
Seek that life.
There is a gem in the mountain of your body.
Seek that mine.
O traveler, if you are in search of That
Dont look outside.
Look inside yourself