Did you know we had a tornado recently? We did! Right here in Brooklyn! I was walking home, surveying the damage to the neighborhood trees and whatnot, and there was a guy a few paces in front of me. We stopped in the middle of the block to look at what was clearly some kind of construction project.
"What do you figure this is supposed to be?" I asked.
"Somebody's roof," he said.
We looked around, but none of the houses looked topless, so we were baffled.
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I passed a free box* the other day that had only a Cheerio in it. Now, I've given away a lot of crap in my life, but that seemed like an awful lot of work for just one Cheerio.
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There are a large number of very attractive mommies in my neighborhood, and I'm always surprised when I see one with a really ugly kid. Because I think, "God, if this kid is so ugly, how funky must the dad be?"
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Regarding my Perfect Nephew:
My sister and I have coined a new word for those adorable sleepers made of fleece that look so cozy we wished they made them in grown-up sizes: Fleepers!
Recently she received one that was intended to make the baby look like an animal. We have dubbed it the Moose Fleeper.
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On the phone with my sister the other day, she reported that the baby was in a really ugly outfit. She only has seventy-five thousand outfits for the kid, so I asked her why this happened. She told me that her husband had dressed the baby, knowing full well he was going back to sleep.
"It's not like anybody will have to look at him wearing it" was his defense.
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Apropos of Absolutely Nothing:
Remember The Perfect Storm? How three or more weather patterns came together to really hose that one little ship out there in the ocean all alone? Well, a similar thing happened to me the other day at work.
How is it possible, I asked myself as I put on the aromatic equivalent of a life preserver, that at 5:15 pm, there were at least four different people pooping in the ladies' room?
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Can you, without looking it up, adequately define the word "peremptory"?
1) Me, neither
2) Liar liar pants on fire
3) Dork
In a conversation the other day that would take too long to even untangle, let alone write about, my friend Christina and I decided that, after my pole dancing class tomorrow night, when I go into stripping professionally, my stripper name will be "Peremptory Cinnamon."
Which, even now, as I write this, makes absolutely no sense.
(I hope you're happy, Christina.)
*For those of you non-city-dwellers not familiar with the concept of a free box, it's a box that you put on the street with all the crap you no longer want, with the word "FREE" written across the top of it. Then your neighbors come and take stuff out of it. Not a bad way to get more stuff you neither need nor particularly want. But hey! It's free!
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